I’m out of breath, waiting to see Sarah.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know what to do – i think I’m going to have to get divorced!”
“Why?”
“It’s just dawned on me, Mr.D is on the spectrum too”
“Uh huh”
“You knew?”
“Usually someone in the family has it. It’s normally the Dad’s. They tend to have occupations that are structured”
“What do you mean?”
“Well you know, like electricians – there is only one way to wire a plug – it can’t change – it has to be that way. They function and perform better in jobs that have specific rules”

There was lots more conversation after this. I came away with a couple of books – one called “An Aspergers Marriage” (most of the books by Tony Attwood are really good by the way – and he co-wrote this one) – which then helped me understand why my husband was so awkward, both literally and laterally.

He had many rules throughout our life together, where I should/should not park the car, how cushions should be laid on the bed, the fact that we could never be late to any event (I am always late), and he had to know the time that we would be leaving – before we even got there.
With these examples, I am just touching the tip-off the ice berg……

How could I live with him now?
I was having a slow realisation…………
All the pieces were dropping into place.
What I thought was stubbornness was actually a way to have some control over an environment that he couldn’t quite understand.

“He can’t change” Sarah said “It’s a lifelong condition. You have to find a way to live with it”.

So I did. (More on that in a letter blog)

People think I’m mad….
“You ask your husband how you think you should travel to a particular destination for work, what time you should set off, what mode of transport you should use…..really? Don’t you know how to get there?”

Yes of course I do….
But so many battles and arguments, so many questions over why I had chosen a particular route, so many criticisms of my choices and why his were better…
So I defer to him – not mad at all – in fact it takes the stress out of everything.

He advises me – he feels valued because I ask for his help – and I either ask for further clarity on his option, or accept – and in 100% of cases, it is what I would have done anyway.
He keeps control of the environment – I de-stress my life.

This was the start of me practising NLP https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming

This was the start of changing me for the better.

Was it Ghandi that said “Be the change you want to see in the world?”

Michael Jackson “I’m looking at the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways”…..

So I changed me.

I became a better me.

A better me meant a calmer home life

A better me meant better support for my team at work

Win – Win – Win

Any by the way – we have been married 35 years – he is my best friend – we love each other – yes we argue – yes we disagree – but due to my training in NLP, due to me recognising my strengths and weaknesses – due to me changing me – it gave us both (and our son) a better life.

Take care
Jill